To Do: Post a 40K Battle Report

Welcome guys and gals (mostly guys…probably guys…do any girls read this) to the first ever Nerds To Do List battle report! One of my favorite things about Games Workshop’s White Dwarf magazine was the battle report in each issue. Before you say anything, I know, WD still does battle reports, but now they’re all cheeseball with studio-painted models. I’m talking the old school reports that had players using their own painted/converted armies, with blackjack, and hookers. Those were the days.


Unable to let go of my youth in any way, shape, or form (I’ll never let you go, horribly old, smelly, and shrunken t-shirts), I decided to start posting battle reports in true WD fashion. While mine won’t have the cat daddy cool maps with movement and hooker/blackjack combos, they will have real pictures of real armies. Fear not, I’ll do my best to insert humor as I can. This post’s humor theme is *drum roll* “Terribly Photoshopped Images of Top Hats”.

This game, as all my games tend to, took place at the Games Workshop, errr, shop, in Oak Park, IL. It’s a quaint town, full of shoppers with their own comings and goings, who love fresh tilled Earth and all things that grow.


The “crew”, as we call ourselves while rolling 16 deep in the club, mainly consists of myself, Chuck (who, much like the Mechanicum, is always building and made completely of recycled Gateway computers), Steve S., Dave R., Leo, Marlowe  and a few others. Most of them are under the age of 16, so I have to leave my exhaustive collection of pornography at home. It’s mostly teddy bears dry humping, but it’s good, it’s good.  The store owner, Brian, gave us a challenge; a building in the center of the board would serve as our objective, with whomever holding it by the end of turn 7 winning the game. Being as a majority of us only have about 750pts of models to run, we decided a 2v2 would be best. Marlowe, being the little maverick renegade that he is, decided to jump on one side of the board with 1,500pts to himself. We tried to stop him, but his powers of persuasion and real-life bolter convinced us it was fine. Thus, the dice were cast.

(A shot of the board, right before the game started. Hopefully this gives you an idea of the game)

I think that’s all the important details. Let’s see, left teddy bear porn at home, 2v2, 750pts…oh yes, teams. We decided to put Steve and Leo on team one, and Dave and myself on team two. There, now it’s all covered. Onto the carange! Wait, let’s do some quick shots of all the armies

My Alpha Legion force. Reality decided to screw my resolution…or the Dark Gods. I know not.

Steve’s personal chapter of Space Marines, the Luna Knights (Steve, if I’m wrong, shoot me)

Leo’s Necron force. Such straight firing lines. They must work out.

Dave’s Grey Knight/Necron combo. Apparently the two captains are bros. They hit up bars tag-team style.

Unfortunately, I didn’t get a shot of Marlowe’s army. I took one, but the picture came out as a giant middle finger made of lost souls. I deleted it, just in case.

Ok, now onto the carnage!


Team one, forever known now as Team Alpha Wolf Squadron Prime (TAWSP), stole the initiative, thanks to Leo’s special character. He also rolled a six, so it wouldn’t have mattered. We cursed him name under our breath, I pushed him off a mental cliff. Luckily for us, the opening lightning special attack (same weird wonky stupid character) did nothing to our lines, except for poor Marlowe, who lost his scout squad. Four of the five fried, and the fifth decided he left his hab-stove on, and bailed like a stunt double in a Bruce Lee movie. TAWSP’s shooting round didn’t do much better. Steve decided that casting Infinity Gate was a good idea, and after some fairly successful rolling, came face to face with our front line. Sadly, only one Necron fell to the hail of bolts. They all did exchange Twitter handles, though. Make friends where you go, readers.


Now it was time for some payback. Dave pulled his Immortal’s back, which allowed my 10-man CSM squad and Chaos Lord to get in their faces. Our shooting was much better, and combined with a wicked assault charge, as seen here…


We wiped the squad out. My Chaos Lord (his name is Alpharius, also the name of my right pinky) rolled on the Chaos boon table and received an extra attack. Take that, girl in 11th grade who said I’d never accomplish anything when I asked her out!

The rest of this turn was fairly uneventful. More things died. Eulogies were spoken. The Circle of Life played in the background. Not the movie version, the Elton John version. He’s a boss.

Marlowe got in on the action and moved his guards forward to fire on my cultists. Due to being far more mature than anyone else, he managed to kill two with precise gun fire. That was the end of that.


"Ring Girl" Announcing Start of Round Two

This is where things got interesting. Leo gathered his special character and Immortals up, and took the building. Our armies were, like, totes jells and stuff, cause we could hear them throwing a house party, and we never received an invitation. Steve moved his marines up and fired on my CSM and CL, but didn’t manage a single hit. I blame the schools. Leo’s warriors fired on Dave’s Immortals, managing to kill two. The casualties were starting to come in now.

But then my Heldrake arrived. I get so excited when he hits the table. I run around the store, cawing like a madman. No, I’m not ashamed. He’s a dragon of death. I love him. He’ll be my daughter’s ring bearer one day.

In my lust for death and unending cawing, I forgot to take pictures, but here’s what happened. The heldrake hit the board, put his mouth in one of the windows, and blew fire all over Leo’s unit. The result was something like this.


Not a single Necron survived, though one did stand up thanks to Reanimation Protocol. My CSM and CL moved up to attack Steve’s Tactical Squad. Many a loyalist lost their lives that round, and Alpharius gained +1 initiative, but they survived a harsh smack down. Dave, who biffed all his reserve rolls, did manage to wreck some warriors on the opposite side. It was looking good for us.

Marlowe continued to harass everyone on the board. He killed one more cultist, then deep struck (gosh, I have no idea if that’s right) his drop pod and assault squad into TAWSP’s deployment zone. He managed to engage Steve’s command squad, and horribly mangled three models, but also suffered the loss of his jetpackers. Not a word, but I’m using it.

There was a rulebook questioning at some point. Not sure what. Still, I captured the moment.


Unfortunately for TAWSP, most of their army was in a pile of stinking corpses.



So their shooting phase a bit lackluster. A few warriors took pot shots at my heldrake, but didn’t manage to hit anything. Leo’s special character did fry eight of my cultists (insert fire shot from above here) with a molotov cocktail something er rather. Quite a nasty flame template weapon. He also killed one more Immortal. Steve’s tactical squad bought the farm. Taps could be heard in the distance.

Our turn continued to be devastating to the team with too long a name. My CSMs and CL charged Leo’s remaining warriors and overlord, the helbrute vaporized a command squad member and charged the unit (Steve’s captain also missed his melta bomb attack…YOU HAD ONE JOB, ZAEL!), my cultists did nothing, as usual. The heldrake vector struck the building in the unit, who suffered more casualties, and then baleflammed Marlowe’s poor guardsmen (again, fire picture). Dave’s reserves came in, so he charged Marlowe’s deployment zone with a dreadknight and a squad of Grey Knights. Mucho more casualties were caused.

Marlowe managed to get a few shots off, but nothing of real note. Fried a cultist with a multi-melta, which just brings to mind all sorts of gross imagery. We’ll all need therapy. Also, his drop pod fell apart.


Alas, time escaped too quickly from our tightly-clenched fists, and I was unable to continue for more rounds (had to go run errands with the wife). We decided to end our game here as, had we continued one more turn, our opponents would have been fully tabled, and poor Marlowe would have been fending off both of us without much backup. Technically speaking, no one won the game, as no one was holding the building, but with the amount of casualties we caused, the store decided our team had won.


Go ahead, stand triumphantly on the field of battle, Alpharius.

(You photobombing son of a…you’re no longer invited to my birthday party)

Ah, so thrilling. So refreshing. So…Raven. Some players at larger shops may complain about playing games against younger opponents, but I love it. Younger players have such a zeal for the game, loving every second they’re rolling dice, whether that’s in a win or not. Except Dave, he must always win. Anyways, many of these guys can be shrewd tacticians. And they’re also much luckier rollers than I. And can stay up past midnight without needing a nap beforehand. It’s great fun, and I like to think I give them lots of good advice, like how to avoid getting a teddy bear porn addiction.

Overall, the game was a lot of fun. It was pretty unfair that my team had Chaos, Grey Knights, and Necrons on the same side (let’s face it, one of these guys would have peaced out), so anything short of cursed dice rolling was probably going to result in a win. Still, everyone had fun.

We all celebrated the game at our local Potbelly’s. Good times were had by all.

To Do: Post a 40K Battle Report

P.S. I am behind on my painting now…



About Onshava

I'm a writer who grew up a total geek. I attended the University of Florida (Go Gators!), graduated, and set out to make my place in the world in the great city of Chicago. I'm married (still not sure how I suckered her into it), have two dogs, and think subway trains are the devil's magic. Also, I'm a horribly addicted hobbyist. Warhammer 40k, MMOs, Xbox gaming, writing, reading, playing guitar, painting, modeling (not the sexy GQ kind) name it, I probably do it. I also like to talk, a lot. So, to quote Deckard Cain, "Hello, my friends! Stay awhile, and listen." View all posts by Onshava

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